Gee... Can't remember the password

Tried so many different passwords, finnally, I can come back here again.
Nothing has been changed and I suddently realised that I was so fool. I was believing that he will back to me. Wake up girl, it has been 2 years now. No contact at all, what do you expect???!!! He may be already in a happy marriage and with a lovely cute kid. Who knows.
I know, I know. Just something that you cannot control which I name it true love. This Fxxx shit bother me a lot, can't just get rid of it. And time does not help as what every expectsssssssssssss.
I still feel hurt, deeply hurt. Stuff it!

气

气的自己胃痛. 我最担心的事情终于发生了,早就有不祥的预兆. 他怎么可以这样,自己的亲身弟弟呀,怎么可以这么的污蔑他. 太过份了. 我怎么肯能不站在自己父亲的一边.
希望奶奶和爷爷在天之灵能主持公道,化解这个误会. 我很伤心,如果让父亲听到这样的话,他会更加伤心的.
爷爷,奶奶,虽然我出世就没见过你们,但还是希望你们能出来帮帮你们的孙女,出来做公道!

Xmas

Time flies, another year past. It has been nearly two years now since me and P broke up. I still can't move on. Love, true love never fades I believe. I do love him. And I will forever.
Shop was not doing so well, very quite.
A lots of strange things happened recently. K moved back to where we from and will never back to Mel anymore. I've been very close the days before she left. K's bf is still here. He keep ring me and ask me out. Such a FXXX. Your gf is my good friend and she just left the country! The most silliest man in the world would know that I will not go out with you. And what he upset about? Nuts!
Another strange thing happened, S is a guy who did some installation for me. I met him again today, and noticed that his best mate A knows me as well. Such a small world. I am not sure what he wants, he gave some chocolate for Xmas presents. I don't know what to do. Then A rang me later today, ask me to join his work Xmas party with him. But I am sorry, I don't think I can. I know that if I say yes, he will misunderstand that we are not just friend.
I can't tell anyone that I still in love with P. Though he may get married with some lady already. I love him, I can't deny that. And cause I love him, I do not have any feeling for other guys.
I may will go out with St, I know that he is in love with his ex as well. So I don't need to worry with all these girls and boys thing much.
Santa, I have been a good for years. Can you please give a great gift can you please bring P back to me? Santa Please!!!
Love

I do need.

现在终于发现自己是多么的需要找一个男人. 因为身边没有,今天我需要花1000澳币请人帮我定几个钉子.说来可笑,但我别无选择,我只有用花钱来买的方式. 没有人能帮我. 我很孤独. 明天自己还要和男人一样去买材料.如果买的不对,我还要花更多的钱. P, 你知道吗,你给我留下了许多痛苦,很多很多,可以说你给我的痛影响了我今后的一生. 我的精神很痛苦,没有什么可以修复的.因为我还爱着你,我无法去找其他人,我无法说服自己,过不了自己做人准则的这一关. 但这就迫使我会一直孤单的活下去,而且会很累,就像今天一样.
S也不可能和我在一起,因为他爱着他的女人,我只是他的一个新交的女性朋友而已. 我以为他能代替P的位置,看来是不可能的,我有3个星期没见到他了. 他也突然取消了我们的'约会'. 为什么我喜欢的人都和我没有缘分,而那些我不喜欢的却有那些插曲,虽然我这一生中也没几次插曲.
我很低落,很累,我很想随便嫁人,想有个人来照顾我.

Handy Man

I think I do need a man now. I need a handy man. I am too tired right now. Shop will open soon, but I can't find a man to fix the things for me. I have to rely on myself.
I sent a sms to R midnight yesterday. I don't know why i did that, but I did. He came here and visit me not long a ago. But because of work he is miles away from me as well. He sent me one back saying missing me. I know I like him but in a different way, just like an elder brother. From that moment, I know I do need a man with me. Who I can talk to and rely on.

灵验

去了庙宇,乞求平安,和菩萨再一次的述说我的愿望.我不能说马上灵验,我知道每个神灵都很忙碌,他们有许多工作要做,要帮许多人实现他们的愿望.我能感觉到有帮助,我看见了他的照片,虽然很小很不清楚,但我知道这是他,是我曾经熟悉的他.不知道这离实现我的愿望还有多远,但毕竟是迈进了一步,比以前更多的知道他的近况.虽然还是没有电话,没有邮件,但我可以看见他上网了,虽然他没理我.我旁观吧.个大菩萨,请你们尽快帮我实现我的愿望吧,让他回到我身边,和以前一样的快乐,让他爱我吧.

Sleepless night

Went out with an old friend this sunday, very tired. In bed early, but I have to wait after 12am cause promised to transfer some fund back to my mate, very tired too. I saw P was there the whole time. Something werid, he was online the min after I got online and off line the min before me. Funny thing. I just got a strange feeling that he might will ring me that night,,, I just can't sleep well. That's only a feeling,, I know he will not, and he did not remember my number anyway. He told me he deleted it. I sort of had some nightmare, but can't remember that was all about. Just a bad sleep. My heart is very weak right now,,, sometimes makes me can't breath.

奢望?

P 一直都没和我打过招呼, 不足为奇.我清楚的明白在他没和我打招呼前,我是不能和他讲话的. 希望他一切都好,我的爱已经是没有奢望的,是不图回报的了.希望他能活的开心,幸福.
我............爱他!

Tears, 泪, 哭.......

是的,很讽刺,p竟然在中国. 这是我最不想听见的消息.我欲哭无泪. 在中国的女人,为了达到目的什么都做的出来. 就是因为一个中国女人,我们才开始分手的.现在他居然在中国,天哪,这是多么大的打击.
我的天哪,你能告诉我到底要我做什么,才可以让P回到我身边? 我该怎么办?我已经默默的在他心里消失了.
为什么爱是那么的残忍,那么的痛苦?我什么时候才能得到别人的爱?真的很想感受一下被人爱的滋味. He used to kiss me at every single traffic lights, he started to love red lights just for me. My God,,,,, why this happened on me!!!! Can I please please please have him back?????!!!!!!!!! I am begging you!!!!What do you want me to do??? I never done a bad thing in my life, why you want me suffer that much!!!!!!!!!

What is love?

Preparing some presents for my daugher. I end the letter with " Lots of love".
What is love actually? Love is giving not receiving!!! Love is from your heart not from your mouth!!! Love is your action not your saying!!!
I love P so much. My friend said to me P will never know I still love him if we do not communicate. But I know I did not cheat myself, I know and told myself that I do love him. He does not want to to contact him, okay, cause I love him, I will not do so. My friend said this will bring me more pain. I know, it's very painful by know and watching him be with some other girls. But love is giving not returning, so I do not feel guilty to just giving my love.
Love you!

sigh

wo hen dan guo! zhe ge xing qi yi lai yi zhi dou ke yi kan jian P shang wang yong MSN. ta cong lai dou bu yuan yi yong de. cong lai dou mei you yong guo. hen tu ran de ye hen qi guai. di yi tian wo hen gao xin, hen gao xin hen zai wang shang kan jian ta. he yi qian de xi wang yi yang, ru guo ta neng shang wang liao tian jiu hao le. dan hou lai to tu ran ming bai le. yi ding shi you ge dui ta lai shuo fei chang zhong yao de ren de cun zai, cai hui chu shi ta shang MSN de. ying wei wo hen liao jie ta, ta bu shi na zhong shang wang liao tian de nan ren. ta yi ding shi zai she me di fang chu cai, you yu hen xiang nian ta de nv peng you, huo ta de nv peng you rang ta zhe me zuo de. xiang dao zhe li, wo hen nan guo, hen zi bei. kuai yi ge xing qi le, zai wang shang jian dao ta. ta yi zhi dou mei he wo shuo guo Hi. wo hen xiang ta, hen ai ta. wo de xin hen nan guo, hen tong. hai bu ru bu jian dao ta shang wang de hao. shu hua shuo yan bu jian wei jin.
wo hen xiang ta he wo da zhao hu, wei wen wo yi xia. wei she me ta jiu na me de jue qing ne? nan dao ta yi dian gan jue dou mei you le ma? wei she me ta jiu bu ji die dang chu ta dui wo shuo de tian yan mi yu le ne?
lian xu ji tian lai, wo dou mei ze me shui hao. tian tian wan shang zuo e meng, hen zao jiu xing lai. yi xiang dao ta he bie de nv ren na me qing mi, wo fei chang nan shou.
zhen bu zhi dao wo hen ze me huo xia qu. hen xiang ta neng hui dao wo de sheng bian.

MSN

For a sudden P is online everyday using msn at a certain time frame. That's very unusual. I know him too well to know what something is happening. My six sense tells me that he is in USA and he get online to chat with his current girlfriend.
I was always thinking it will be good if P can get online and use MSN all the time, that way I may can have a chance to talk him again. But now I wish he never there. 1st of all, he does not talk to me, even a Hi. 2ndly, I know he was chatting to his girl. And that girl must be very important for him. Otherwise he will not put so much effect online. He is not that kind type of person.
I feel very low right now, cause I would be that girl he was chatting to. But no.... that's not me.
Miss him.

SMS

Finally, S sms me on Sunday night. Saying sorry for did not in touch with me that weekend. I just can't understand him. What he actually wants?
I went shopping with my best friend on Sat and did some cooking afterwards. On Sunday I went temple for pray. Wish P can back with me.

3rd Week

This is the 3rd week I haven't seen S. He might do not have that strong motivation to see me. And I am so scared to ask him first. We all busy doing our own stuff.Do not have a same free time. Maybe we are two different people. We've already noticed from so many small things. Mainly is thoughts. Don't know why I still want to have a try.Let's wait and see what will happen in the 4th week. But as I know he might will go Queensland and I need to do my volunteer work. Maybe the 5th week. Maybe never.
I miss P still.

Just a Thanks

Was P's birthday not long ago. Thought carefully, I did sent him a very simply email saying Happy Birthday. Nothing more I really can say, I said all the things I want years ago. And he might do not want to hear from me any more at all. And may be saying Happy Birthday is too much to him.
Now finally got a reply from him after this whole year. Just a Thanks. Only one word. Thanks.
I was surprised he actually replied. My tears are everywhere. All the hurts come to me again. Why for a suddent, he hates me. Does not want to talk to me. Why he just throw me into the rubbish bin without even looking at me.
Why god made me like him and....so hurt.

随笔

反复想了很久,觉得自己还是应该要和P说句生日快乐.当然了我心里是一直记着的,但就不知道应不应该发EMAIL给他.最后觉得还是在明天的时候再对他说吧,这样他不会认为我还一直想他(其实我是),他就不会那么的讨厌我.
有两个星期没和S见面了,给我的感觉很怪.他太高,不怎么好看,但...可能我只希望有个男人陪,我很希望他会喜欢我.但看来很难,太难琢磨他在想什么.他希望我陪他去买西服,但他有妈妈和姐姐,为什么要我么? 还好我没空那天,结果他也就没去买.如果他不喜欢我为什么要我陪他去呢? 但如果他喜欢我,为什么又取消了今天的'约会'? 本来约了他下班后见面,但他一直没给我打电话.这又算什么呢?既然他不给我打,那我也就不要那么不识趣,不要硬凑上去.还是让他主动比较好.都快3个月了,看来他是把我当朋友,好朋友,不是男女朋友的那种.你想想,如果他喜欢我,没理由不见面的.
算了,可能是我自己一相情愿,别人根本没想法.
我很孤独,没什么朋友了,J刚卖了所有的家当搭乘今天早上的飞机走了.我很难过,但也没办法.我很想P,但我不知道怎么才能让他和我说话,我无奈.我希望S能喜欢我,但摸不透他,我郁闷.
我深爱着P,为什么他就不理解,我接受呢?我很痛苦.

Happy Birthday!!!

P Happy Birthday! Another birthday, another year.Wish you doing very well there. I miss you. Pray for you from the other side of the world. Wish you all the happyness. Love you forever.

按兵不动

上个星期S没和我联系,没个星期固定的'约会'一直到周6晚上9点还没CONFIRM. 我憋不住了,给S打了个电话.他说了对不起about for a week he did not talk to me. 因为我们不是男女朋友关系,其实根本没关系,不需要道歉.说是在朋友家--以前同学家吃饭....不知为什么我很不高兴,可能是他没主动联系我. Anyway 约了周日早上见面. 挂了电话后没多久,我发了SMS说不如这个星期就不见面了. 回复的短信说OK,但想知道原因. 没理他. 第2天早上,回了短信后,他竟然马上给我回了电话.说没关系,这周中和我联系. 像是大人让小孩听话似的... 说话算话,星期2来了EMAIL,说了几句有的没的.
哎, 不知道他是怎么想的. 普通朋友?还是可以发展的朋友. 快3个多月了,难道是我想多了?为什么他不是个主动的人?还是他真的就一点都不喜欢我?
算了,还是按兵不动吧.

-1

One of another my best friends will back next Sunday. Such a suddent developement, she needs to get back for surgery. My god, hope she is okay. Now another going home sale on. I will be much more lonely now. Shall I leave this place as well? I am not belonging here?

无奈

J刚离开我们家,姐姐和我都觉得她很无奈,不知道怎么能帮她,怎么能让她走出这个误区. J的BF突然今天和她说要出国了,去他另一个情人的国家2星期,而且是明天早上出发. 具体的就不GO INTO IT. 而且今天晚上都不是那么的愿意见J.
看J坐在那里,不停的叨咕着他们的事,是那么的钻牛角尖.我就想起了我自己,当初和P分手的时候,我比她还不如,每时每刻都在钻.很痛苦.
过来人,我也无法给她任何好的建议,真的天是注定你的命运,听天由命吧. 我深信老天是有眼的,会让好人开心的. 不过老天,你能让大家早点开心吗? J已经有一次非常失败的婚姻. 早点给她幸福吧.谢谢

星期天

到家了,such a day. 和他出去了一天,不是约会的"约会". 我很累. 认识他快有几个月了,不知道他到底把我当什么样的朋友. 似乎他还爱着他的女人,说是年头分的手,但从很多的言语中能证明他还念着她.他没有用EX-GF,而是用GF来称呼她.
不知道该怎么办,是继续这样的下去,还是.... 我有点喜欢他,但又有点怕.怕他不喜欢我,或怕他还喜欢/爱着EX. 我很希望能有个新的RELATIONSHIP, 这样我可以忘记以前的他(P). 希望有人能关心我,爱护我.一个心中只有我的人. 天那,什么时候你才能赐给我未来的他? 一个我理想中的他.

对与错

不知道今天自己这样的处事方式是对还是错. 我不应该,也不会去伤害别人. 别人对我不好,是别人的错,总有一天老天会惩罚他的. 只要我做的正直,我不怕,我问心无亏, 我理直气壮.我也相信他有所知觉,没有一个人是傻子,都有自己感觉.
我希望在这个世界上,没有坏人,希望大家都奉献点,都多付出点,这样没什么对你不好的. 这样你的心会很舒坦,会觉得很开阔,没有任何内疚感.
愿世界上都是好人,好人越来越多.大家和睦相处,互相帮助.

Why?

More than a year now. P still alive in my deep heart. Cried again tonight. Pain still there. God. when is the end.
I met S for the last few weeks. I know he is an excellent guy, I do have a thought to be with him.But don't know what's in his mind. And another main thing is I still love P. I can't let P really go.
God can I just have P back?

Grumpy

Just not a good day. Grumpy, grumpy and grumpy. Each get upset with my dad. Things never be perfect no matter how hard you try.
My dream will never come to be true. Can somebody just love me? Or maybe just care! Just need a liitle careness to me...

Grumpy!

倾诉

我好想找个人说话.好想找个人说我很想P.说我一直在等他,等他回来.
但我不知道我可以对谁说,怎么的说.因为我知道人人都会骂我傻,骂我疯.但我真的很想他,就和在恋爱是的感觉一样,没有任何的减弱,到是越来越那么的强烈.但这只是单方....
我该怎么办?
很想倾诉.......

为什么

我老是问自己,我为什么还那么的爱他,那么的想他. 是因为周边没有人吗?是因为寂寞吗?还是真的是很爱他? 为什么我就放不下呢???
这星期来,我特别想他.其实自从分手的第一天起,我无时不刻的想他,希望他能和我联系,哪怕只是个问候....他是我第一个爱的人,可能也是我最后一个爱的人. 我对别人没兴趣,没感觉.
可能是为了麻痹自己,才出去.但是,老是拿别人和P做比较,但比来比去,他们都比不上P. 他真很优秀,就对我胃口.
最近去做益工的目的就是为了赎罪,我觉得我犯了不可饶恕的罪名,至少是我自己无法饶恕自己的罪名.我让P就这么的毫不回头的离开了我.他真的很狠心,好狠心,太狠心了.扔下我一人.让我那么的痛苦.我无法饶恕自己,自己给自己埋下了恶果.就希望现在做点善事,很心理好过些.
今天电视上说的挺有道理的.God is listen to you, he is watching everybody. But sometimes he just have to say NO!我想不管上帝也好我所信的佛也好(我认为他们是同一种,只是信仰不同,称呼不同,但他们都指导/督促人们做好事)都看着我们,但是他可能就希望我痛,他不喜欢我.
有时候我问自己,到底要我做什么才可以挽回这一切? 无论付出什么样的代价,我都愿意.只要能让我们和好如初.我真的愿意.我一直在等待,等待奇迹的发生,等待他回来.因为我爱他.上帝,佛主,你们能听到吗?能帮住我吗?为什么你们就不希望我幸福呢?没有了他,幸福就不存在.能恩赐我吗?到底要我怎么做才可以呢?????????能给我暗示吗????

Shall I?

I met a guy. He makes me think all the things about P again. They are so similar. I had another big cry last night. I miss him so much. They are the same age, same background, same... just so many similar things. But P is much more handsome than him.
I don't think I should go out with him only if he is similar to P. Not fair.

100

This is my 100th blog. Still can't get away with P... still in my deep heart. I know I do love him a lot.
C is preparing leave AUS, we just sold her car and next will need to help move. Just like what dad said b4, i will have not much good friends left here, he worried i might be much more lonely now. He knew that how much the broken up hurts me even he never asked me about it, but I know he knows and that hurts him and mum as well.
It's true, after E, K, S, M, W now C ( they are all my best friends in AUS) went back home, I will be very lonely. I lost P ( the most important part of my life) now my best friends. Life will be very hard for me. I can't live without friends.
Still a sad complain about my life after 100 blogs, wish I will telling all the good stuff for the next 100.
P.S no one knows my pain, I still smile to everybody and even I support C after she made up her mind, though I think she made a wrong choice as working experience in mel is much more useful than home.
Wish tomorrow is a sunny day!!!

C

These days I went to a couple of different pubs for soccer. Just for the feeling of aussie fans' heat. Was not very fun, cause I do not drink. But I sort of still proved that people do like me if I do go out.
C had a long long chat with me, telling all her feeling to me. I was always think she is happy, good things are happening on her and her relationship was good. But after she told me how she really feels, I know that depressing can be used on her as well. This is not only me, its on my best friend. Not sure if this is the way to confort myself, but I now know not only me in a bad bad situtation. God bless C as well. Wish all of us. all of the good people or all of the earth people have a good happy life.
Bless!!!

Airport

Had a lot trips to airport this week. Not because I need to travel, but a lots of my good freinds went back to where they came or some are haveing at least a holiday there.
Airport is not a good place for me to visit. It makes me home sick. It makes me remember the times I see goodbye to P.(When he needed to go business trips). We don't want to be separated at that time even for a couple of days. That seen off member is deeply in my mind, I can remeber the things we did and the all words we talked...... Miss him still.....
Can I have a chance to pick him up next time when he decide to come back??? Can I have a chance to hear he to say : Don't leave me. Wait me come back! I will miss you every mint? Can that happen again???

Calls

Got a miss call last night. After changed my mobile phone, I lost most the contacts. I don't know what's that call is from. But a silly stupid though in my mind, was that him??? I rang back so many times today try to find out who was that. But the phone was switched off. Was him? He is on the plane back to where he was? Did he just want to say bye to me last night??
Silly, how silly was that. I keep ringing till someone answers. Oh well, was an older friend from AD, and just want say hi and catch up.
I always think too much, think the things which would not happen. I love fairy tale, but I don't think fairy tale likes me. It will not happen on me.
Better sleep early tonight, tomorrow morning need to attend a morning breakfast conference at 7:15.
Too early ; ((((((

Psychiatrist

Why would I bring this word up? It's not scary. He is my firend and my client. : )
We have so many in common, did a good chat yesterday after work. Almost till 8:30. We even forgot to have dinner. The only thing you would scare when you talk to a psychiatrist is that he might know what you are thinking and what you might say in a min.
Things always happened for a reason. One of my volunteer work is to help mental illness people rebuild their life. And this is part of psychiatrist job as well. I can get a lot of tips from him about what shall I do and not do during the meeting with these sick people. And how to deal the unforeseeable situtation.
I didn't tell him my biggest pain yet. Maybe I will soon, and that way he can help me to get over it and move on. But actually, I understand and know all about this. What is correct what is not. The truth is its easy to say, but its hard to do.
I would love to be a doctor. But I think its too late now, I am old, too old to start.

Queen's Birthday

It was this day, we were at HG. He took me home to meet his parents and I had a short holiday there. His mum told me before I left: you can come again. In his family, this means a lot. Of course I would like to go and visit them again, but I am not allowed to. Forbidden. I miss you.

selfish? me? No. I can't do that!

C told me she has been granted for a position in C. This is her first job offer. Ask me about my opinion. Her mum wants her to take it, but she was in a bit decision, decision stage. Everybody tells her that just for experience first and that is also a worldwide famous company in the industry. Just the job position, is not that perfect. Shall she stay in C or shall she back here?
Selfishly, I don't want her to take that job, simply because I will have less friends in A. But I can't do that to her, it's her future, her career. And I can't be selfish!!! But she is my best friend in A, if she left, I don't have many left. I've already lost a lot.
Finally I got an idea, she agrees. And this will be in God's hand!
I just feel, I lost too many these years.
But I can't feel sorry for myself!!! I have to face it and not on the price of my friends!