Tears, 泪, 哭.......

是的,很讽刺,p竟然在中国. 这是我最不想听见的消息.我欲哭无泪. 在中国的女人,为了达到目的什么都做的出来. 就是因为一个中国女人,我们才开始分手的.现在他居然在中国,天哪,这是多么大的打击.
我的天哪,你能告诉我到底要我做什么,才可以让P回到我身边? 我该怎么办?我已经默默的在他心里消失了.
为什么爱是那么的残忍,那么的痛苦?我什么时候才能得到别人的爱?真的很想感受一下被人爱的滋味. He used to kiss me at every single traffic lights, he started to love red lights just for me. My God,,,,, why this happened on me!!!! Can I please please please have him back?????!!!!!!!!! I am begging you!!!!What do you want me to do??? I never done a bad thing in my life, why you want me suffer that much!!!!!!!!!

What is love?

Preparing some presents for my daugher. I end the letter with " Lots of love".
What is love actually? Love is giving not receiving!!! Love is from your heart not from your mouth!!! Love is your action not your saying!!!
I love P so much. My friend said to me P will never know I still love him if we do not communicate. But I know I did not cheat myself, I know and told myself that I do love him. He does not want to to contact him, okay, cause I love him, I will not do so. My friend said this will bring me more pain. I know, it's very painful by know and watching him be with some other girls. But love is giving not returning, so I do not feel guilty to just giving my love.
Love you!

sigh

wo hen dan guo! zhe ge xing qi yi lai yi zhi dou ke yi kan jian P shang wang yong MSN. ta cong lai dou bu yuan yi yong de. cong lai dou mei you yong guo. hen tu ran de ye hen qi guai. di yi tian wo hen gao xin, hen gao xin hen zai wang shang kan jian ta. he yi qian de xi wang yi yang, ru guo ta neng shang wang liao tian jiu hao le. dan hou lai to tu ran ming bai le. yi ding shi you ge dui ta lai shuo fei chang zhong yao de ren de cun zai, cai hui chu shi ta shang MSN de. ying wei wo hen liao jie ta, ta bu shi na zhong shang wang liao tian de nan ren. ta yi ding shi zai she me di fang chu cai, you yu hen xiang nian ta de nv peng you, huo ta de nv peng you rang ta zhe me zuo de. xiang dao zhe li, wo hen nan guo, hen zi bei. kuai yi ge xing qi le, zai wang shang jian dao ta. ta yi zhi dou mei he wo shuo guo Hi. wo hen xiang ta, hen ai ta. wo de xin hen nan guo, hen tong. hai bu ru bu jian dao ta shang wang de hao. shu hua shuo yan bu jian wei jin.
wo hen xiang ta he wo da zhao hu, wei wen wo yi xia. wei she me ta jiu na me de jue qing ne? nan dao ta yi dian gan jue dou mei you le ma? wei she me ta jiu bu ji die dang chu ta dui wo shuo de tian yan mi yu le ne?
lian xu ji tian lai, wo dou mei ze me shui hao. tian tian wan shang zuo e meng, hen zao jiu xing lai. yi xiang dao ta he bie de nv ren na me qing mi, wo fei chang nan shou.
zhen bu zhi dao wo hen ze me huo xia qu. hen xiang ta neng hui dao wo de sheng bian.

MSN

For a sudden P is online everyday using msn at a certain time frame. That's very unusual. I know him too well to know what something is happening. My six sense tells me that he is in USA and he get online to chat with his current girlfriend.
I was always thinking it will be good if P can get online and use MSN all the time, that way I may can have a chance to talk him again. But now I wish he never there. 1st of all, he does not talk to me, even a Hi. 2ndly, I know he was chatting to his girl. And that girl must be very important for him. Otherwise he will not put so much effect online. He is not that kind type of person.
I feel very low right now, cause I would be that girl he was chatting to. But no.... that's not me.
Miss him.

SMS

Finally, S sms me on Sunday night. Saying sorry for did not in touch with me that weekend. I just can't understand him. What he actually wants?
I went shopping with my best friend on Sat and did some cooking afterwards. On Sunday I went temple for pray. Wish P can back with me.

3rd Week

This is the 3rd week I haven't seen S. He might do not have that strong motivation to see me. And I am so scared to ask him first. We all busy doing our own stuff.Do not have a same free time. Maybe we are two different people. We've already noticed from so many small things. Mainly is thoughts. Don't know why I still want to have a try.Let's wait and see what will happen in the 4th week. But as I know he might will go Queensland and I need to do my volunteer work. Maybe the 5th week. Maybe never.
I miss P still.

Just a Thanks

Was P's birthday not long ago. Thought carefully, I did sent him a very simply email saying Happy Birthday. Nothing more I really can say, I said all the things I want years ago. And he might do not want to hear from me any more at all. And may be saying Happy Birthday is too much to him.
Now finally got a reply from him after this whole year. Just a Thanks. Only one word. Thanks.
I was surprised he actually replied. My tears are everywhere. All the hurts come to me again. Why for a suddent, he hates me. Does not want to talk to me. Why he just throw me into the rubbish bin without even looking at me.
Why god made me like him and....so hurt.

随笔

反复想了很久,觉得自己还是应该要和P说句生日快乐.当然了我心里是一直记着的,但就不知道应不应该发EMAIL给他.最后觉得还是在明天的时候再对他说吧,这样他不会认为我还一直想他(其实我是),他就不会那么的讨厌我.
有两个星期没和S见面了,给我的感觉很怪.他太高,不怎么好看,但...可能我只希望有个男人陪,我很希望他会喜欢我.但看来很难,太难琢磨他在想什么.他希望我陪他去买西服,但他有妈妈和姐姐,为什么要我么? 还好我没空那天,结果他也就没去买.如果他不喜欢我为什么要我陪他去呢? 但如果他喜欢我,为什么又取消了今天的'约会'? 本来约了他下班后见面,但他一直没给我打电话.这又算什么呢?既然他不给我打,那我也就不要那么不识趣,不要硬凑上去.还是让他主动比较好.都快3个月了,看来他是把我当朋友,好朋友,不是男女朋友的那种.你想想,如果他喜欢我,没理由不见面的.
算了,可能是我自己一相情愿,别人根本没想法.
我很孤独,没什么朋友了,J刚卖了所有的家当搭乘今天早上的飞机走了.我很难过,但也没办法.我很想P,但我不知道怎么才能让他和我说话,我无奈.我希望S能喜欢我,但摸不透他,我郁闷.
我深爱着P,为什么他就不理解,我接受呢?我很痛苦.

Happy Birthday!!!

P Happy Birthday! Another birthday, another year.Wish you doing very well there. I miss you. Pray for you from the other side of the world. Wish you all the happyness. Love you forever.

按兵不动

上个星期S没和我联系,没个星期固定的'约会'一直到周6晚上9点还没CONFIRM. 我憋不住了,给S打了个电话.他说了对不起about for a week he did not talk to me. 因为我们不是男女朋友关系,其实根本没关系,不需要道歉.说是在朋友家--以前同学家吃饭....不知为什么我很不高兴,可能是他没主动联系我. Anyway 约了周日早上见面. 挂了电话后没多久,我发了SMS说不如这个星期就不见面了. 回复的短信说OK,但想知道原因. 没理他. 第2天早上,回了短信后,他竟然马上给我回了电话.说没关系,这周中和我联系. 像是大人让小孩听话似的... 说话算话,星期2来了EMAIL,说了几句有的没的.
哎, 不知道他是怎么想的. 普通朋友?还是可以发展的朋友. 快3个多月了,难道是我想多了?为什么他不是个主动的人?还是他真的就一点都不喜欢我?
算了,还是按兵不动吧.