God is still playing with me!

It has been a long time. Normal people would have forgot what happened ages ago. But just not me!!!! I did my best try to avoid anything related to P. But so many things still there, still let me remember him. Or should say God did this in purpose!!!
I had an other big secret cry last night, had big puffy eyes now. I reckon I will never get over it. It will be the deepest cut of my heart ever, and never will get recovered. I have to carry this cut for rest of my life. I tried to accept another man. But to be very honest, I CANNOT DO IT. It's not fair for him. I will not hurt anyone just like P hurt me.